Trust is a funny thing. We think of it as something we “give” and “earn,” “mend” or “break.” All the while, we scourge our minds with self- or societally-imposed rules, begging to know if we are “trust-worthy.” Are we worthy of another’s trust? Can we even trust ourselves?
Then comes other people. We may care about, and really like someone. But there may be certain experiences we’ve had with them that leave us doubting their ability to “walk the walk.” Perhaps there have been unkept promises, blurted secrets, or maybe this person is completely oblivious. We want to include them in our lives, but can we be vulnerable while ensuring our own well being? Can we trust others?
It’s a pretty exhausting game.
First, I’d like to clarify the difference between trusting someone, and having faith in someone. When we have “faith” in someone, we might love them, like them, or at least have no doubt as to who they are as a person. In short, we like them a lot, and probably always will.
But that isn’t enough to trust.
You see, trust is based on behavior, about results. What have you observed and experienced with this person? If you’re concerned about confidentiality, for example, have they ever told you another person’s secret? Have they ever told others one of your secrets? There, you have your answer. Perhaps you bring a friend to a party, and they drink too much and behave foolishly. Is this their first offense, or a typical pattern you’ve been putting up with?
Our feelings and anxieties about a person/situation can be leave us thinking very subjectively. And, we may end up making choices that don’t reflect what we actually want. This is why it is so important to look for evidence about yourself and others to make your choices.
This honest look at the facts is called accountability. And it’s the first step to cultivating, or re-cultivating trust. So if you have faith in yourself/someone else and you want to continue a relationship with them, take steps to have a “checks & balances” dialogue. This will help you understand people’s experiences, wants, and boundaries.
If you’re the friend who wrongly disclosed another’s secret, apologize, and accept the consequences. Reasonable consequences are something like allowing the other person time to heal and feel safe with you again. It’s difficult, but fair. Unreasonable consequences (or “punishing”) would be the other person “forgiving” you, then using guilt/shame to manipulate you in the future. Get out of there!
If you’re the friend who was wronged, find some time to share your hurt and experience. The other person may have no idea what they’ve done, and it’s now on you to let them know. Staying away from judgements/accusations, let the other person know what you have observed, and how it made you feel. Make sure each person understands what’s really going on here. It can be difficult to tell people that we were hurt, but it’s the honest way to healing and connection.
And hey, we all make mistakes, right? Learn to release the issue, especially if it was an honest mistake. This is the hardest to do (especially with ourselves), but totally worth the effort.
Trust me. 🙂
– CJP
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